Here is a real life example.
I went to work, I made my To Do list, prioritized that list estimated the time each task would take to complete, and I have a plan to get everything done in a timely matter, when I got a call and a foster mother who had 5 children from the same family, demanded that I come get the children and get them out of her house.
Now normally my first job would be to spend some time with that foster mom trying to figure out why she is making this demand, and can I fix her problem without having to move the kids, OR see if I can get her to give me some time to accomplish this relocation of the children. The problem is that this problem was not on my To Do list and it is of the highest priority.
Suddenly I am extraordinarily stressed. With the shortage of placements, it is difficult to find a bed for one foster child. To have five foster children all needing placement at the same time, and as soon as is possible, is very, very difficult to accomplish.
Now, just consider this set-up [which really happened to me] as a blank, and fill that blank with your own memory of a time of extraordinary stress. Why are we stressed?
We fear breaking mama’s rules:
There is, inside of most of us, certain rules that were inculcated, hammered, pounded into us by mama, or dad, or who ever parented us. Childhood is a time of rules, and among all the rules there is always, without exception, a collection of rules about getting stuff done, and being on time. When I was a kid, things were probably not as bad as I remember, but in my memory, parental orders were to be carried out immediately. Curfews were adhered to perfectly. Breaking one of those parental rules resulted in punishment. My mother never chewed my ass off, but she would chew all around it and let it just fall off.
I think my stress comes from the rules that remain in my subconscious mind. If the rules are really in the subconscious mind wouldn’t that mean that I would be functioning without being conscious of those subconscious rules?
When I observe myself, I find that I have certain ritual behaviors and when anyone violates those rituals I get upset, and when I myself violate my habitual behaviors I am incensed, stressed, pissed, livid, and perhaps a little crazy.
Subconscious problems cannot be addressed until they become conscious problems. How do you do that?
You look at the patterns in your behaviors. If I have ritual behaviors that is, by definition pattern behavior. Are there things I do consistently, and if the pattern is changed, if the rituals are violated, then I get tense, and that tense-ness is a clue that a pattern has been broken.
In my own struggles with depression, struggles that have been going on for fifty years, I have been irritated by psychotherapies tendency to dwell on the sources of my emotional problems, rather than focusing on what to do to stop having these emotional problems. Of course, I am not a psychotherapist, and so absolutely no one should take mental health advice from me. Nevertheless, I reluctantly agree that sometimes you can’t fix the problems you have NOW, unless you realize where the problems are coming from, and often the problems are coming from your childhood.
Stress comes when stressors collide. Stress, in me, comes when important stuff is overwhelmed by less important, or unimportant, tedious, irrelevant intruding stuff. Sometimes everything you do is important. Sometimes important stuff is intruded upon by other important stuff. I get upset and stressed out even when everything is important, but I suffer in the order that the deadlines line up. Whatever is due first bothers me first, and then the next thing, and the next.
I’m not schizophrenic, and I don’t hear voices, but there is a constant narrative going on in my mind, a stream of consciousness, a commentary on what I do, and what is done to me, or around me. That voice often reminds me of the voices of my aggravated parents. Sometimes I get angry with myself, and start chewing myself out, criticizing myself, belittling myself, and when I stop to analyze what I am saying, it is criticism that is phrased exactly the way my parents criticized me when I was a kid.
When I think about it, I wonder, why would I feel stress. So what if everything that has to be done is not done. I can’t do everything. No one can do everything. There will always be more stuff that needs to be done, than can actually be done.
So why do I get upset when I can’t do everything that has to be done? We all have to admit that sometimes we just have to not get some stuff done, so why stress?
I could be fussed at.
I could be punished by:
a written reprimand,
a plan for Improvement and frequent performance assessments
I could be fired.
So what are stressed out dudes or dudettes to do?
Stop believing that stress can be eliminated
Now normally my first job would be to spend some time with that foster mom trying to figure out why she is making this demand, and can I fix her problem without having to move the kids, OR see if I can get her to give me some time to accomplish this relocation of the children. The problem is that this problem was not on my To Do list and it is of the highest priority.
Suddenly I am extraordinarily stressed. With the shortage of placements, it is difficult to find a bed for one foster child. To have five foster children all needing placement at the same time, and as soon as is possible, is very, very difficult to accomplish.
Now, just consider this set-up [which really happened to me] as a blank, and fill that blank with your own memory of a time of extraordinary stress. Why are we stressed?
We fear breaking mama’s rules:
There is, inside of most of us, certain rules that were inculcated, hammered, pounded into us by mama, or dad, or who ever parented us. Childhood is a time of rules, and among all the rules there is always, without exception, a collection of rules about getting stuff done, and being on time. When I was a kid, things were probably not as bad as I remember, but in my memory, parental orders were to be carried out immediately. Curfews were adhered to perfectly. Breaking one of those parental rules resulted in punishment. My mother never chewed my ass off, but she would chew all around it and let it just fall off.
I think my stress comes from the rules that remain in my subconscious mind. If the rules are really in the subconscious mind wouldn’t that mean that I would be functioning without being conscious of those subconscious rules?
When I observe myself, I find that I have certain ritual behaviors and when anyone violates those rituals I get upset, and when I myself violate my habitual behaviors I am incensed, stressed, pissed, livid, and perhaps a little crazy.
Subconscious problems cannot be addressed until they become conscious problems. How do you do that?
You look at the patterns in your behaviors. If I have ritual behaviors that is, by definition pattern behavior. Are there things I do consistently, and if the pattern is changed, if the rituals are violated, then I get tense, and that tense-ness is a clue that a pattern has been broken.
In my own struggles with depression, struggles that have been going on for fifty years, I have been irritated by psychotherapies tendency to dwell on the sources of my emotional problems, rather than focusing on what to do to stop having these emotional problems. Of course, I am not a psychotherapist, and so absolutely no one should take mental health advice from me. Nevertheless, I reluctantly agree that sometimes you can’t fix the problems you have NOW, unless you realize where the problems are coming from, and often the problems are coming from your childhood.
Stress comes when stressors collide. Stress, in me, comes when important stuff is overwhelmed by less important, or unimportant, tedious, irrelevant intruding stuff. Sometimes everything you do is important. Sometimes important stuff is intruded upon by other important stuff. I get upset and stressed out even when everything is important, but I suffer in the order that the deadlines line up. Whatever is due first bothers me first, and then the next thing, and the next.
I’m not schizophrenic, and I don’t hear voices, but there is a constant narrative going on in my mind, a stream of consciousness, a commentary on what I do, and what is done to me, or around me. That voice often reminds me of the voices of my aggravated parents. Sometimes I get angry with myself, and start chewing myself out, criticizing myself, belittling myself, and when I stop to analyze what I am saying, it is criticism that is phrased exactly the way my parents criticized me when I was a kid.
When I think about it, I wonder, why would I feel stress. So what if everything that has to be done is not done. I can’t do everything. No one can do everything. There will always be more stuff that needs to be done, than can actually be done.
So why do I get upset when I can’t do everything that has to be done? We all have to admit that sometimes we just have to not get some stuff done, so why stress?
I could be fussed at.
I could be punished by:
a written reprimand,
a plan for Improvement and frequent performance assessments
I could be fired.
So what are stressed out dudes or dudettes to do?
Stop believing that stress can be eliminated
When I am suffering with stressors I yearn for relief, but there will never, ever be total relief from stress, and in reality we don’t even want that to happen.
Stress is the reason we take action. Without stress, we have no motivation to solve problems. We no longer live in caves, and eat raw meat because we had problems with lodging and food supplies, and the stress of not having those essentials lead to the advances we enjoy today.
Stress can be fun.
Riding a roller coaster, getting married, having a baby are all stressful events, but they can be deeply fulfilling parts of our life.
Take Control
Part of the pain we experience from stress is that we feel helpless in the face of the forces pressing in on us. Here are some ways I try to take control:
Pare down the To Do list –
Pare down the To Do list –
When you have a To Do list and you have prioritized that list, the mind says, OK, that’s that. Now let’s get busy and knock this stuff out.” When new To Do’s show up, you have to re-prioritize. Sometimes what had to be done to day, can clearly be done tomorrow. Since no one can do everything that needs to be done, you just have to shorten the list of what there is To Do. Your must’s can turn into shoulds, and your shoulds, can be turned into your it’d-be-nice-buts-it’ll-have-to-waits.
Start saying “no” –
Anyone can say the word NO, but it is hard to tell someone asking you to do something that you just don’t have time to do that. If the request, or the demand is coming from a supervisor, then saying NO gets harder to do, but there are times it must be done. You may have to negotiate. There are times when you have to list all your To Dos for the boss, and ask which ones they want you to do, and which one’s can wait. Maybe the boss will delegate some of those To Do’s to someone else. The point is to know your limits and stick to them. When you say YES to more stuff than you can realistically handle is a surefire recipe for stress, and failure. Eventually, if you don’t say NO you will have so much to do, that some stuff will just fail to get done.
Don’t you think the boss, or the friend, or the spouse would prefer a NO to a YES that ends up being a TOO LATE?
Don’t you think the boss, or the friend, or the spouse would prefer a NO to a YES that ends up being a TOO LATE?
Take as much control of your environment as possible –
If a cluttered desk makes you feel helpless, then de-clutter. If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the TV off. If traffic’s got you tense, take the longer scenic route.
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