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Monday, August 18, 2008

Living without a net


I have been asked why I write this blog. Do I feel that I “have it all together” and “know the secret to a trouble free depression free life?”
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NO.
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I’m not arrogantly writing like some ole guy with infinite wisdom and sagacity. No. I am writing for exactly the opposite reason. It is not that I have it all together, it is that I am trying not to come unraveled. When I turned in front of that on coming truck and totaled our car, put my wife in the hospital for a week and now she is facing surgery, and all this has lead to money pressures, I get afraid, and when I’m afraid I get snippy, angry, and I start flinging blame. I know better, but my fears and anger are so great that I can’t think the thoughts I want to think, but instead surrender to my automatic thinking, which leads me on a very rough and unpleasant journey.

The more you do of what you’ve done, the more you’ll have of what you’ve got. ~Anon.

I am not really writing to anyone other than myself. The seeking of readers is my way of tricking me in to writing regularly. If I work on this blog daily then I will keep thinking about the better way of thinking, and not waller in self-pity, and surrender to depression and fear. [Waller is an Okie term for wallow.]

. . . we have come to believe that anger and hate are inevitable. . . . We can live in this world with a non-contentious heart. We can discover the courage not to succumb, not to retreat, not to strike out in fear and anger. . . . we can speak the truth and stand up for justice. And by resting in the wise heart, we can be a lamp, a medicine, a liberating presence for all. ~Jack Kornfield

I am thinking about my problems, because right now, I have a bunch of problems. Trouble is my NOW, difficulties and fear compose my present moment. If I am to be focused on this very moment, then I have to focus on this difficulty, this fear, this anger and draw everything I can from what is happening to me right now.


There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it’s hand. You seek problems because you need their gifts. ~Illusions

I am not OK with my life when everything goes wacky. I do wish things had gone smoother. I wish I had not turned left in front of a speeding pickup truck. I wish I had gotten more for my house. I wish someone in OKC had hired me as soon as I got here. I wish the apartment had been larger and there was a little more privacy. I wish my wife had not been hurt, I wish I was thin and strong and handsome and my wife was warm for my form. I am like everyone else, and wish only good stuff happened to me.

Nature does have manure and she does have roots as well as blossoms, and you can’t hate the manure and blame the roots for not being blossoms. ~Buckminster Fuller

Ole Buck is wrong. You can hate manure and blame the roots for not being blossoms, but manure will still be manure and roots will never be blossoms. The hate and blame won’t change what cannot be changed.

In a general way, we know what mental health requires. It requires that we learn to grow muscles where our injuries were. ~Gorden Allport

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