’Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself though, not a Montague.
What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O! be some other name:
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet
William Shakespeare
It was a 14 year old hotty named Juliet that said a rose by any other name is still going to smell like a rose. Her point was, that her crush on a Montague did not really matter because it was only Romeo’s last name that was the problem. Montague is just a name, just a word, and words don’t matter.
Juliet is quoted often by people making the point that words don’t matter, but people saying this have missed the point of Mr. Shakespeare’s play. The point of the Romeo and Juliet drama is that Juliet is wrong, and that words not only matter, but words can and often do have life and death consequences associated with them.
The children’s chant: Sticks and stones/may break my bones, but words will never hurt me is a cleaver first grader comeback to a school yard slur, but if you live long enough you will come to know this sticks and stones retort is a lie. Words can and very often do hurt and sometimes the pain generated from words is absolutely unbearable.
When the boss says, “You used the wrong form letter when you responded to the claimant,” in the opinion of the boss that may be true, but a depression free response will be appropriate. A depression prone person will immediately start an internal dialogue with himself or herself. Often this mental self-talk goes something like this:
ME: I made a stupid rookie mistake. I am stupid, stupid, stupid.
Now the boss knows just what a loser I am. I’ve been fooling her and everyone else around here, but the jig is up.
If I can’t even do something as simple and fundamental as use the appropriate letter, then everyone is going to know I am out of my league here.
This is just the first trip on the slippery slope of being fired.
If I lose this job I won’t be able to get a job anywhere else.
Thou art thyself though, not a Montague.
What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O! be some other name:
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet
William Shakespeare
It was a 14 year old hotty named Juliet that said a rose by any other name is still going to smell like a rose. Her point was, that her crush on a Montague did not really matter because it was only Romeo’s last name that was the problem. Montague is just a name, just a word, and words don’t matter.
Juliet is quoted often by people making the point that words don’t matter, but people saying this have missed the point of Mr. Shakespeare’s play. The point of the Romeo and Juliet drama is that Juliet is wrong, and that words not only matter, but words can and often do have life and death consequences associated with them.
The children’s chant: Sticks and stones/may break my bones, but words will never hurt me is a cleaver first grader comeback to a school yard slur, but if you live long enough you will come to know this sticks and stones retort is a lie. Words can and very often do hurt and sometimes the pain generated from words is absolutely unbearable.
When the boss says, “You used the wrong form letter when you responded to the claimant,” in the opinion of the boss that may be true, but a depression free response will be appropriate. A depression prone person will immediately start an internal dialogue with himself or herself. Often this mental self-talk goes something like this:
ME: I made a stupid rookie mistake. I am stupid, stupid, stupid.
Now the boss knows just what a loser I am. I’ve been fooling her and everyone else around here, but the jig is up.
If I can’t even do something as simple and fundamental as use the appropriate letter, then everyone is going to know I am out of my league here.
This is just the first trip on the slippery slope of being fired.
If I lose this job I won’t be able to get a job anywhere else.
Without a job, I’ll have no income.
We won’t be able to pay our bills. We’ll lose the house.
We won’t be able to pay our bills. We’ll lose the house.
My wife is going to leave me, and I’m going to end up a homeless bum living under a bridge.
It might be better if I quit now, that way at least I won’t have being fired on my resume. I’m going to write my letter of resignation right now.”
The response is not appropriate to the rather minor criticism that triggered the internal dising session illustrated above. If you are suffering from the words you hear in your ears and the words you hear in you mind, then consider the following suggestions:
Suggestion 1: When people are critical of you: stop, think, and whatever you do, do it intentionally.
In problems of logic, contradictory statements cannot be true; in the psyche, ONLY contradictory statements are true. Sam Keen
I wouldn’t say, flat out, that any of these three responses are wrong. I would say that all three of the responses are not going to enhance your life and protect you from depression unless they are implemented intentionally.
It might be better if I quit now, that way at least I won’t have being fired on my resume. I’m going to write my letter of resignation right now.”
The response is not appropriate to the rather minor criticism that triggered the internal dising session illustrated above. If you are suffering from the words you hear in your ears and the words you hear in you mind, then consider the following suggestions:
Suggestion 1: When people are critical of you: stop, think, and whatever you do, do it intentionally.
In problems of logic, contradictory statements cannot be true; in the psyche, ONLY contradictory statements are true. Sam Keen
I wouldn’t say, flat out, that any of these three responses are wrong. I would say that all three of the responses are not going to enhance your life and protect you from depression unless they are implemented intentionally.
Usually returning verbal attack with verbal attacks is just going to escalate conflict, but there may be some scenarios where that would be a tactic you use for some psychological, or calculated reason. If it is a tactic it might be effective, but only if you have thought it out, anticipated reactions, and developed a plan B, and maybe a plan C as well.
To flee, or to simply smile knowingly and walk away, can be the most appropriate response to your critics, but fleeing can also end with you feeling humiliated, and your self-esteem may be critically wounded. You can flee and that action may actually protect your inner self but it is better for you if you pick this option intentionally and with forethought.
It is healing to get brought back to knowing what you know. ~Lisa Friedlander
To stand your ground and attempt to disarm the critic can, in some situations, perhaps even in most situations, end with you not only retaining self-esteem, but enhancing it. On the other hand, attempting to disarm an out of control critic can end with you feeling frustrated, defeated, and incompetent.
Never argue with a crazy person because when you’re done, they’ll still be crazy, and you might be too. If you assess the situation and intentionally choose to disarm your critic you will know what is going on, and will be taking steps to protect your inner self.
The good thing about living intentionally is that you remain in control, and you always have the option of intentionally making a different choice when you determine that would be in your best interest.
The good thing about living intentionally is that you remain in control, and you always have the option of intentionally making a different choice when you determine that would be in your best interest.
You can be disarming your critic when you realize that you can’t disarm a lunatic with imaginary weapons. If you find that your critic is incapable of hearing you, that he or she is too out of control to be rational, then walking away may be your next choice.
Suggestion 2: When you talk to yourself always be nice.
The truth is, we all have a voice inside our heads that is constantly mouthing off. Too many of us have allowed the voice to get away with some harsh, insulting, and uncalled for remarks.
Languageshapes consciousness, and the use of language to shape consciousness is an important branch of magic. ~Starhawk
Always be nice to yourself. Never, never, never cut yourself down, make disparaging comments about yourself, do not allow your internal voice to give you an ass chewing ever.
Don’t even cut yourself down in jest. If you want to stop hating yourself, drive depression out of your body, and experience joy, then you can’t even joke about yourself in a negative manner.
If you drop something, you absolutely must not make any jokes about how klutzy your are, no pop off remarks like, “grace strikes ever 5 minutes,” no whispered, “I can’t even carry 9 file folders without dropping the damn things.”
In my own case, I have been giving myself a tongue lashing for over 50 years, so my knee jerk reaction to any thing that is less than perfect is to crush my soul verbally. Sometimes my verbal remarks are inside my head, and sometimes I actually talk to myself and I can be merciless.
I have always been uncompromisingly cruel and ridged when dealing with myself. I say things to myself that I would never in a million years say to anyone else, even someone I don’t like. For 50 years I have been nicer to strangers than I have to myself. Often I have over-reacted to slights that came from people I don’t even like.
One of the most common traits shared by all depressed dudes and dudettes is a sense of worthlessness. Worthlessness has friends: like incompetence, stupidity, an unattractive appearance, hopelessness and helplessness.
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